@aksorojas

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

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@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

@Hello_Bella

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

@mommajessiec

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

@BuckyIsotope

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

@Smiilze

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

@girlontapas

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.