@dafloydsta
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
@aksorojas
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
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@dafloydsta
@better_off_dad
Meditation is just the gateway drug to flat out ignoring people.
@Hello_Bella
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
@LurkAtHomeMom
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
@dorsalstream
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
@mommajessiec
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
@nappydolemite
Her: I froze my eggs.
Me: ??? ??? ??????
@BuckyIsotope
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
@Smiilze
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
@girlontapas
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.