I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
You Might Also Like
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
“What?”
– Jude
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.