“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
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[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.