Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

Let’s Go