Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

They’re the worst 😩

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

guys i’ve cracked the code

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

Mountain Goat : )

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.