I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Ok but actually
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me