Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

How actors in movies eat their food

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

I am yelling

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”