I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
You Might Also Like
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Support your local cemetery
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.