I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I’ve been drinking.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Good morning, Twitter x
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen