I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
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I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss