Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs