Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I occasionally drink every single night.

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*