I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
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[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted