Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory