Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

#Caturday

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

my dog when i have a friend over

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.