Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.

HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”