I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
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What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Single worst piece of software ever invented
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.