I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
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[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
