i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
You Might Also Like
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
My dad.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Spring cleaning checklist…
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…