Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”