Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

ㅤ

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.