i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

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you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”


ME: What an emotional roller coaster

ROLLER COASTER: [calling out to me as I exit the park] Why are you leaving??!! Is it something I said?


If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.


I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign’s horoscope just to hear them say “that’s so me!”


Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either


ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.


13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me


Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.