i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
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Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Does this dress make me look cat?
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I feel like one of these would kill a European
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.