Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

Wait for it

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.