Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.