I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
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How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?