Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

Hmmmmmmm….

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

I needed a laugh this morning.

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

A duv-egg? In this economy?

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk