I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
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Godzilla was the first house flipper.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.