Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

o shit

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*