Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally