Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.