“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
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Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish