“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
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[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
These aliens are taking forever.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”