“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
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[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
