“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
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when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Ummm 😳
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here