I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
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Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.