I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.
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The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.