I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
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i’m sure it’s fine
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
#MeanwhileInCanada
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.