I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
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Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
The Sun’s probably Asian.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Saturday
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.