Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

This was a bad idea all around

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

I’m never leaving this app.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.