Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

the simulation is moving too fast

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”