Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs