I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
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i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.