Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

The photographer’s assistant

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.