I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
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The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’