Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What