Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

Hello, my name is Pierre.

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

Harsh but fair

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.