I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
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Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that