Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.