Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.