Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”