i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
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I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
You are not alone 💚
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄