Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you