Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

this independent good boy don’t need no human

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter