I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
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I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
The Joker was right
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.