I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My plans: 2020:
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.