Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Worth remembering.

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

🥃

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.