Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.