I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
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Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
my favorite genre of twitter
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Got ya covered
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
