I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.