I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
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Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
No flush
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.