Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.