I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
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The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
We made a comic about a space heater.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything