I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
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We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
it was love at first sight
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever