I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
You Might Also Like
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.