I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
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Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me recordaron éste meme
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Skills
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.