@newstart43

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

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@_Mo_lee_

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

@newLettuce

Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia

Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-

Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS

@ChicksRule

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

@Kryzazy

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

@itsdivbaby

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

@dukelongboard

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise

@LurkAtHomeMom

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

@mindflakes

Nobody expects you to throw a typewriter at them, that’s what makes it such a fun surprise

@Fickle_Filly

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?