Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.