Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

Ok, but like, how married are you?

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

sugar glider wrangler

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.