I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
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mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick