Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

My age is news to me every single time I remember

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

Noted.

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720