Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry