I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
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Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married