Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.

Me: And the drawback?