Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]