Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

My wedding will be open casket.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not