I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Perfect
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
your honor my client chooses dare
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”