I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
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“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
I’m the neighbor
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.