Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool