I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
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I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.