I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
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My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Respect
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Always 🥴
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes