Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
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gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you鈥檙e 6 so we can board the flight early.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
imagine you鈥檙e on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I鈥檒l be sticking to my furniture for the next week
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
they should create new variants of dopamine
You鈥檙e following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
RT if you could go either way.
Me: I鈥檓 so excited to be working here. It鈥檚 always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You鈥檒l be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.