Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.