Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
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the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.