Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
You know…for fall…
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.