Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
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Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
The asteroid..
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
You better wish for more oil
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet