Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank