Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

Watson was Holmes schooled

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit