I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
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Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
this will hang in the louvre one day
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
It kinda feels like this rn
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.