I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
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Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Ugh but profoundly
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.