I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
You Might Also Like
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”