Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

dude it’s called proctologist