Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

I used to be married, but I’m better now

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

The opposite of goth is stopth.

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

The news

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”